What the Hell?
by icydragonfire
Summary: When Malfoy starts appearing in 2 places at once, living in a broom closet and helping the Order, it’s up to Harry to find out who stole his robes, owl, and life to save the world. pre6th
1. Act I Stage 1: Enter Malfoy

OMG. I was digging in my old files the other day and I found this Harry Potter fanfic. It's probably the most horrendous story I have ever dug up. But until I show it to the world to be ridiculed, it cannot be laid to rest in peace.

Therefore, I present to you one of the worst examples of writing I have ever produced. Convince me otherwise.

WARNINGS: The 6th book did not happen. I wrote this story a year ago, when I had just finished the 5th book. So now, Dumbledore's still alive. In fact, I have changed the characters a bit from the 5th book too. So now Harry's non-angsty. Good.

I was so stupid back then.

* * *

There it was. Platform 9 ¾.

Harry called out to his friends and grinned when Hermione ran to give him a hug. Ron stood nearby, looking silly, while Ginny was ferociously pointing at her brother and then back at Hermione. She was definitely giving Harry some kind of clue, but before he could ask her, Mrs. Weasley had ushered them along, complaining that they were all going to miss the train.

Ginny went first, running into the wall. She quickly disappeared. Hermione looked at Harry and, when he nodded, grabbed Ron's hand so they could walk through together. When no one was looking, they also fell through to meet the Hogwarts Express------

------except first they happened to collide with a blonde-haired, pointy-chinned student who stumbled back quite a bit from the force of impact. Hermione and Harry did not register this immediately, but Ron did.

"Malfoy," he breathed.

Draco looked up at them with no contempt----or feeling, for that matter; he seemed at loss to their faces, almost as though he didn't recognize them.

Then something dawned in his eyes and his face contorted into a scowl they knew well. "Potter, Weasley," he acknowledged nastily. His eyes fell on Hermione but he said nothing, just pushed through the trio, disappearing into the brick wall (the portal to the Muggle world).

Ron and Hermione turned to stare. "Funny," Hermione said thoughtfully, "he's leaving platform 9 ¾."

Harry, who'd caught a glimpse of Cho and was seething, asked "Uh, what about that?"

Hermione avoided Ron's gaze and led them on the train. "Odd," she muttered.

Harry did not hear, he was too busy considering (not for the first time) what had not worked out between him and Cho. Ron claimed a compartment the second he saw it and insisted on a game of chess.

Harry was startled out of his thoughts of strangling Marietta. "Wha?"

"---or maybe you'd like Exploding Snap," Ron suggested hopefully.

Hermione rolled her eyes as she took out the latest edition of the Daily Prophet. "What a waste of time, Ronald."

The youngest Weasley burst in just as her brother, quite annoyed, started berating Hermione for always reading and never having any fun. "Whoa," said Ginny, reeling back. "I seemed to have picked a bad time."

Harry, once again, was lost in thought about all the girls that he hated, this time thinking of Pansy Parkinson, who was outside his window. He was not aware of the war being staged in the front between his 2 best friends, or that Hedwig and Pig were flapping around his head.

The glass door to their compartment slid open, and Draco Malfoy walked in, smirking.

He froze at the scene in front of him. Ron and Hermione were obviously competing to see who could yell the loudest, and Ginny was feebly putting up her hands in a time-out. Neville had just walked in from the other end of the train, his mouth as wide as Draco's. Ginny had now turned into some kind of referee, and Potter was just sitting there, ogling Pansy.

Then the whistle blew and everyone finally noticed Draco.

"What're you doing here?" Harry and Ron asked at the same time. Ron had stood up and was now trying to head Malfoy off.

"Get out," Harry said forcefully.

Malfoy sneered. "Come over here and make me," he challenged.

But out of the corner of his eye, Harry saw movement. The brick wall of Platform 9 ¾ was blurring, which meant someone was passing to this side.

Harry happened to be the only one who saw a greasy-haired, immaculately dressed Slytherin enemy of his boarding the train as it started moving.

* * *

Horrible, no? 


	2. Act I Staqe 2: A Prefect Beginning

I didn't know this was going to be so hard...

* * *

:The ride up to the castle was a blur. So was the feast. Harry didn't remember any of it, except hat Ron chastised Hermione when he caught her staring at the Slytherin table. Harry was seriously considering if he had gone insane, and his best friends' bickering was not helping.

How could he have seen Draco come onto Platform 9 ¾ when he_ had been in their compartment?_ It didn't seem likely that he had learned a spell that could make you do that; his father was a Death Eater though, who knew what powers they possessed.

Maybe Draco _could_ be in 2 places at once.

As soon as Dumbledore(sp?) dismissed them, Harry leapt out of his seat. Ron and Hermione had their own problems, so he had to go up to the tower alone.

Neville came just in time with the password. ("Pig Droppings") (at which Harry turned to the Fat Lady with an unbelievable expression as she chuckled and swung open)

The common room was the same: gold and red, the fire still burning, a couple of first-years talking about their ancestry---no, bragging, more like it. Harry didn't have time for them though, and sprinted up to his dorm to settle down.

He sat on the edge of his 4-poster and wondered if he had been hallucinating. It was in this position that Seamus later found him.

"Hey," said Seamus. "Where's your owl, Harry?"

Harry looked around. His trunk was by the end of the bed, but Hedwig…

Wait, where was Hedwig?

It was not until he opened his trunk that he lost it.

"What the---!"

The robes that lay on top of the trunk were not his. His were folded differently, and he most definitely had not packed a picture of himself.

A picture!

Yep. A picture of _himself_. _Whose trunk is this? And why's my picture in it?_

Seamus laughed. "You need help remembering your own name, Harry?"

Harry asked, "What?"

Seamus pointed to the back of the picture. In the middle, scrawled in a long, fancy script, were the words:

_This is Harry Potter._

"Harry! What'd you pack?" Seamus yelled. Harry looked up to see Seamus rifling through his stuff. "These are…"

Seamus glanced up in shock.

Harry glanced down in shock.

Seamus was holding up a prefect's badge.

A _Slytherin _prefect badge.


	3. Act II Stage 1: About the Order

I'm doing this only for Lola, who just HAS to finish the damn thing...

* * *

"I'll see you," she said to Ron.

Ron nodded and went off to the left corridor. Hermione took the right corridor. They were on watch.

Up ahead was Dumbledore's office. Hermione didn't know how to get in, but someone obviously was trying.

She scurried to see what the problem was.

Professor Flitwick was adamantly denying access to Dumbledore's office. The student trying so hard to get in and talk personally to the Headmaster was none other than Malfoy.

"I'm sorry," Flitwick said. "You cannot go in."

Draco ran his hands through his hair. "You have to let me in," he said. "I HAVE to talk to him."

Then he caught sight of Hermione.

"Please, help me," he said. "I have to talk to him."

Hermione almost lost it. "ME? Help you? As if, Malfoy!" She paused. "What are you doing here anyways?"

"I have information," Draco said quietly, looking at the floor. "About the Order of the----."

Hermione was horrified. "What! You know…about the Order?" she asked weakly.

Malfoy was looking at the ceiling and the embossed pillars around them, apparently studying a nearby painting. "Yeah," he said at last. "I HAVE to talk to Dumbledore. You know how urgent this is."

"You're not acting like Malfoy," Hermione said suspiciously. She crossed her arms as Flitwick made a sound like a cough.

Draco turned blue-gray eyes directly on her for the first time. He asked politely, with no trace of sarcasm, "And you are…?"

* * *

Dumbledore was not in his office at the time, but Professor Flitwick assured them he would get him. Hermione stood at on end of the room, across from Draco, who she was vividly staring at. He knows about the Order, she thought wildly. His father's a Death Eater, what if… 

Hermione bit her lip. How Malfoy found out about the Order of the Phoenix was beyond her. Who he was going to tell and what he was going to do with the information was more urgent.

A sound came from the instruments on the table next to her. "Ah," said a voice. "Mr. Malfoy and Miss Granger."

Hermione turned to the Headmaster slowly. "Malfoy wanted to see you, sir."

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "And you had to come with him. Very well. I assure you," he turned to Malfoy, "you can trust Hermione. Hermione Granger."

Malfoy turned to Hermione and held out his hand. "Pleased to meet you."

In a state of shock, Hermione shook his hand numbly.

"Now," said Dumbledore. "To business. Everything we say will be kept in this room, understood?"

They nodded, Hermione still shocked.

"Now, Mr. Malfoy, tell me: what do you know?"


End file.
